One of Freuds Psychosexual stages is the Anal Stage. The first time I heard about this immediately thought anal sex. Like I know this guy was a freak but, damn. It’s a the stage where Freud believed people developed control issues do to in proper potty training. At least that’s what I got from the lesson. I always thought it was foolish until I realized it’s completely true, where are you always in control in life? The bathroom when you pee and poop (except diarrhea lol)’”. I noticed fir myself that when I’m sad, lonely, or angry my favorite place to be to relax myself is the bathroom. It’s comforting to me. I’m in control till someone has to pee.
I just realized that I’m only 20 Years Old. As crazy as that sounds it’s the truth. I worry about way to much for my age to the point where I act like it’ll last forever or won’t ever end. I just want to have fun and be happy. As you grow you worry too much about what people say and think about you. It’s so funny cause I act like I’m so much older then what I am but, my emotions are from hurt growing up. I’ve learned that you have to just let your past go and forgive and forget. I’m not tryna be reckless but, im gonna just enjoy being 20 and don’t live in regret anymore. I run my life and no one’s opinion matters but, my own.
Is there something wrong with me? I mean I seriously wonder. People are always mad at me. Yelling at me and some more stuff. It really confuses me. Im always a problem for people. Constantly getting on their nerves. Saying the wrong thing. What is wrong with me? Why do I always create this hell for people where they are never happy and always saddened by my actions. I always ponder what more can I do to better myself in society to make the world a better place but then things turn around and people end up sadder then when I started. I feel that people who are mean and ruthless end up with better lives. I often wonder if I stopped trying to always be nice and just said fuck it and started to care about people’s feelings would I be happy. Cause on this nice girl party trying to be happy and while still guarding her heart is not working so well for me.
Yelling? I mean how loud can you get. I don’t like yelling. It makes no sense. I mean why do people resort to yelling in order to get a person to understand their point. It never works, if anything the person either fears you or hates you. When ever I yell I feel out of control and over the top angry in the end. To the point where I’m apologizing for everything. So I decided I won’t yell cause the people don’t get it any way. They always ask “why are you yelling”. Yet those same people turn around and yell at me about something anything. Except they do it to the extreme, they’ll get all up in ya face and scream to the point where their spitting. Now that’s nasty and when you say something to them they respond in a yelling tone saying “IM NOT YELLING”. I feel that telling is used to gain control over the conversation but, of your immediate goal was to solve a problem then you didn’t do nothing but, create another one.
What does sex mean? What does it symbolize? And why is it so damn good? Sex hasn’t always resonated with me as a sign of importance. My parent to child talk was miniscule and my experiences as child was frightful. Yet it still never stopped me from having sex. It’s not so great that I couldn’t have waited till marriage but, it is so good that once I had it I wanted more. One thing I realized is that sex really isn’t that good until your in love with the person your with. I mean yes it’s great with that bad boy with the big dick but, the warmth isn’t there. Money doesn’t rule the world sex does. With all money ceasing to exist people will still be having sex.
When I have a problem I have a hard time hiding my emotions. I always have some type of look on my face that shows how upset I am when something has gotten on my nerves. If someone I don’t like comes around I begin to have a sad mug like face where no matter who I look at that face stays. Yes times a million I try to wipe it off but, it just doesn’t work. My feelings are my feelings and I wear my thoughts on my face. Shit I wish It was on my sleeve that way I could cover it up. Man and don’t let me be on my “lady days” that’s when words slip out my mouth along with that face. Oh goodness maybe I need to learn to play poker. Play until I’m a WORLD CHAMP where my face isn’t a tell all and I’m not a dead give away. lol
Sleep should be cherished. It should be treated as a bag of diamonds. In my opinion one is no more valuable then the other. With out sleep I’m a grimland. Now with sleep I’m a sweet happy princess. Sleep helps you be alert and allows you to operate throughout the day. It is amazing how you create images of events you “dream” of & of our fears but, you can also alter a dream as your in it just by a change of a thought and that all happens in a matter of seconds. Sleep? Can you believe all that is achieved by sleep? I can’t!
What’s better being quiet or being talkative? If your quiet then people complain about how you never talk and that your to shy. If your talkative people complain about how you always take over conversations or how you always say the wrong thing. So what’s a happy medium. Do you just be happy and be a mute and continue to listen to people say that you never talk or do you just continue to get gaff for always saying some dumb shit. I guess you could just ignore people and be happy with yourself but, what’s the realism in that. If people are talking and you got ears how do you just ignore them. I guess sooner or later ya just won’t hear them.
I want a baby. I want something small and sweet that I can have of my own. Something little and tiny that will call me mommy and make me scream and shout and smile all at the same time. Why are babies so cute? With their big smiles and innocent cries. Only downside is they are expensive and ideally you want to get married first and when you have neither your unhappy. I hate to sound like I’m rushing it but, life seems like it takes so long to have everything in the correct order so that not only your comfortable and happy but, your family is too. It’s just hard to watch everyone around you having babies and getting pregnant and you feel like your the last one. Ugh I’m gonna try to be patient and hopefully when it’s my turn everything will fall in to place but, it just seems to be forever away.
Man I miss you grandma. I wish some days I could express that to you. Just to say I love you. Ask you how your doing. I will never forget her last words to me where “I love you too Kelsie”. Man did that make my heart sink. So much good and bad has happened since she died I just wanna tell her all about it. Ppl say hey you can still talk to her. Um no you can’t. She can’t respond nor can she nod her head and the way she talked was what made her grandma. Man do I miss that smile and all those witty jokes. Hopefully when it’s my time I can hug her and give her that kiss on the cheek she always would ask for before I’d leave. I Love You Gandma.