What is it to be a role model? Like what does it take to be something somebody can look up to? Just the a few weeks ago someone told me that they kind of looked up to me in a sense where they wanted a life like mines and its not the first time someone’s said that to me or made a statement like that nor am I bragging but, I find it interesting and shocking each time I hear it. Maybe I don’t realize what I’ve accomplished in life or what I’ve done that seems unattainable to some. It’s just that I look at what I feel out ways all that. Every single time I hear “Wow your living the life” I think wow if you only knew the crazy shit I deal with on a daily or how deeply sad I am today. So funny how we look into something someone else has that we want not thinking on what’s positive that we already have. I have a friend with a car and he thinks I’m better at school then him. Well I failed a class and I feel like it’ll be ages before I’m blessed with a car. I have a buddy with a job and she thinks I’m so lucky to be in this amazing relationship. Well we have our issues nd I feel that if I had your job they’d be minimized. I have a friend who thinks I’m so lucky to have a mom well sometimes I wish I had a dad like u too. My bf thinks I make friends super fast while he doesn’t get I always feel like an outcast and wonder what it would be like to be as carefree as him. I don’t like for people to look up to me cause at the end of the day I look up to them. What is it to be a Role Model?
So don’t you hate being wrong, that feeling when ya know your right and you end up being wrong. Well I don’t and neither should you. Im sorry but, not sorry cause most of the time when im being proven wrong it’s someone trying to prove to me that the fact that im trying to help them the way im trying to help them makes me wrong. Why should I care if im wrong, why should you care if your wrong? If ur wrong ur wrong. Unless you have ill intent or ur a lier then fuck it. Me personally I’ve figured its a waste of energy and words in a day to fight my point back. If a person doesn’t see your heart let em go.
Let’s be realistic for a moment. No matter how buff you are, how pretty you are or how well put together you are, everyone cares if someone likes them. Whether you want to or not. It takes more of an effort not to care then it does to care. Man don’t we all wish we didn’t care. I guess it’s human to care. For me if you don’t like me I make sure I never talk to you, look at you, and that we don’t share the same air. Lol not literally but, surely I keep my distance. See the difficulty with that method is suppose it’s someone who your basically forced to be around. See in school that’s way easy bro. Check this out, bam I moves my seat. Boss status, done! Plus when your at school its different cause your there for a grade and the only person providing that is ur teacher not losers. Now at work, uh just ignore them and keep in mind that ya getting paid hommie. No need to stress cause they don’t pay ya bills. Now see those two environments I’ve got down pact. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Ugh here’s the hard one, social events like parties, cookouts, hang outs with friends, family, or friends of friends or family of family and so on and so on. Basically obligatory social events your unspoken obligation but, required to attend to. Imagine being at those events and someone doesn’t like you. I can handle me not liking you cause I can still be sweet and force myself to find a side of you I do like since I’m forced to be around you but, when it’s the other way around and I have to pretend not to notice your obvious rudeness lmao that’s a brain fart. Let propose a hypothetical situation saying that this person steps out of line at you and says some things out of line directly to you then what do you do? Do you say fuck it and go off like you might in any other circle or do you patiently remind the person they might be out of line or do you not say anything at all. I personally don’t know because again you have an unspoken obligation to the person your attending the party with let it be a friend, cousin, or your mom you have to consider them first whether the other person is or not. Then we come back to how do you not care that someone you don’t have a problem with has a problem with you and your forced to be around them? That ladies and gentlemen I have yet to find out.
One of Freuds Psychosexual stages is the Anal Stage. The first time I heard about this immediately thought anal sex. Like I know this guy was a freak but, damn. It’s a the stage where Freud believed people developed control issues do to in proper potty training. At least that’s what I got from the lesson. I always thought it was foolish until I realized it’s completely true, where are you always in control in life? The bathroom when you pee and poop (except diarrhea lol)'”. I noticed fir myself that when I’m sad, lonely, or angry my favorite place to be to relax myself is the bathroom. It’s comforting to me. I’m in control till someone has to pee.
I just realized that I’m only 20 Years Old. As crazy as that sounds it’s the truth. I worry about way to much for my age to the point where I act like it’ll last forever or won’t ever end. I just want to have fun and be happy. As you grow you worry too much about what people say and think about you. It’s so funny cause I act like I’m so much older then what I am but, my emotions are from hurt growing up. I’ve learned that you have to just let your past go and forgive and forget. I’m not tryna be reckless but, im gonna just enjoy being 20 and don’t live in regret anymore. I run my life and no one’s opinion matters but, my own.
Is there something wrong with me? I mean I seriously wonder. People are always mad at me. Yelling at me and some more stuff. It really confuses me. Im always a problem for people. Constantly getting on their nerves. Saying the wrong thing. What is wrong with me? Why do I always create this hell for people where they are never happy and always saddened by my actions. I always ponder what more can I do to better myself in society to make the world a better place but then things turn around and people end up sadder then when I started. I feel that people who are mean and ruthless end up with better lives. I often wonder if I stopped trying to always be nice and just said fuck it and started to care about people’s feelings would I be happy. Cause on this nice girl party trying to be happy and while still guarding her heart is not working so well for me.
Yelling? I mean how loud can you get. I don’t like yelling. It makes no sense. I mean why do people resort to yelling in order to get a person to understand their point. It never works, if anything the person either fears you or hates you. When ever I yell I feel out of control and over the top angry in the end. To the point where I’m apologizing for everything. So I decided I won’t yell cause the people don’t get it any way. They always ask “why are you yelling”. Yet those same people turn around and yell at me about something anything. Except they do it to the extreme, they’ll get all up in ya face and scream to the point where their spitting. Now that’s nasty and when you say something to them they respond in a yelling tone saying “IM NOT YELLING”. I feel that telling is used to gain control over the conversation but, of your immediate goal was to solve a problem then you didn’t do nothing but, create another one.
What does sex mean? What does it symbolize? And why is it so damn good? Sex hasn’t always resonated with me as a sign of importance. My parent to child talk was miniscule and my experiences as child was frightful. Yet it still never stopped me from having sex. It’s not so great that I couldn’t have waited till marriage but, it is so good that once I had it I wanted more. One thing I realized is that sex really isn’t that good until your in love with the person your with. I mean yes it’s great with that bad boy with the big dick but, the warmth isn’t there. Money doesn’t rule the world sex does. With all money ceasing to exist people will still be having sex.
When I have a problem I have a hard time hiding my emotions. I always have some type of look on my face that shows how upset I am when something has gotten on my nerves. If someone I don’t like comes around I begin to have a sad mug like face where no matter who I look at that face stays. Yes times a million I try to wipe it off but, it just doesn’t work. My feelings are my feelings and I wear my thoughts on my face. Shit I wish It was on my sleeve that way I could cover it up. Man and don’t let me be on my “lady days” that’s when words slip out my mouth along with that face. Oh goodness maybe I need to learn to play poker. Play until I’m a WORLD CHAMP where my face isn’t a tell all and I’m not a dead give away. lol
Sleep should be cherished. It should be treated as a bag of diamonds. In my opinion one is no more valuable then the other. With out sleep I’m a grimland. Now with sleep I’m a sweet happy princess. Sleep helps you be alert and allows you to operate throughout the day. It is amazing how you create images of events you “dream” of & of our fears but, you can also alter a dream as your in it just by a change of a thought and that all happens in a matter of seconds. Sleep? Can you believe all that is achieved by sleep? I can’t!